Remember, you gotta hold on tight and then let go.
I know, Momma. I can do it.
Okay.
- You did it! - You try, you try, you try!
Okay, ready?
Is he the leader?
He thinks he is.
But the mommas are the real bosses.
The male gorillas compete with each other,
so it's the females' job to keep the pack together.
Protect the little ones.
When they're tiny,
all babies need are their mommas.
And when they're bigger?
They still need them, Alaska.
I feel like we definitely would have heard something by now.
- Definitely. - No blowback?
- Is it safe to say? - Yep, I think we go there.
We just got away with the greatest prank in Culver Creek history.
And I get to savor the image of that jockstrap Longwell
running through the woods with his pants around his ankles.
Normally I am against shows
of hyper masculine aggression
popularized by professional athletes,
but can I get a triple high five?
Wait, all the triumphal hand gestures.
Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh!
If you think about it,
college admissions dudes probably love poop humor.
I bet they thought it was hilarious.
Those essays were probably better written
than what Longwell and Kevin
could have came up with on their own.
We basically helped them get into their dream school.
No, they're legacies. They was getting in either way.
That prank was highly satisfying,
but ultimately consequence-free for those dick weasels.
'Cause that's how it is in the real world.
Speaking of "The Real World,"
Pudge and Lara need to get a hot tub.
Our boy becoming a man.
It is a beautiful journey and we are privileged to glimpse it.
Ain't love grand?
Look at him. Look at him go.
- Wow. - Hmm?
My lips are numb.
Me, too.
I guess it is possible to kiss so much you cannot feel the kisses.
Who knew?
- Is this okay? - Mm-hmm.
- It's okay? - Mmm.
You do not have to squeeze it quite so much.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Is it the first one you've ever touched?
Well, technically his first boob was Alaska's,
but that was against his will.
And it was above the shirt.
Jesus, Colonel.
How the hell did you get in here?
How do you think? Through the front door.
But y'all were so hot and heavy, nobody noticed.
And I didn't wanna interrupt. That's rude.
It's getting late.
I should go before the Eagle does his rounds.
Bye.
Bye, Chip.
Bye.
Whoo.
So, Lara with the perky breasts is the one.
Your first.
The one to take your innocence.
Well, I don't know.
I mean, we haven't discussed it.
Oh, probably because your lips were too numb
from all the kissing.
Two virgins deflowering each other.
It's gonna be so goddamn meaningful.
I mean, you gotta think about it.
For the rest of her life when people say,
"Who was your first?"
Lara will say, "Miles 'Pudge' Halter."
It's beautiful. It's so goddamn beautiful.
Our ability to represent a concept with an abstract sign
is something no other animal can do.
While the nickname makes it appear trivial,
a doodle set the foundation of universal language.
Just don't do it in my class.
Uh, we were actually...
Just, um, talking about, uh, Lara's essay question.
Hers is a real doozy.
Um, how can something so beautiful as religion
lead to so much war?
It's a good one.
Right?
Back to work.
I really liked your question.
Now I must know, what is your most important question?
Oh, well, it's mostly,
um, about how people want security,
and how they can't stand the idea of death
being a big black nothing,
or the thought of their loved ones not existing,
let alone imagine themselves not existing,
so I decided that people believe in an afterlife
because they can't bear not to.
Miles, Heaven is written in the Bible.
It would not have survived 2,000 years
if it was just a silly pipe dream.
Maybe Lara's right.
Maybe you do go to Heaven
and all your dead pets are waiting for you
and there's a big dinner party with old smart people.
When they go to bed, there's a big after party with Kurt and River.
I think the problem is that you spend so much time
worried about what's up there
that you're missing out on the real party down here.
I guess for some of us,
parties are not so important.
It was a metaphor.
Chip?
Well, well, well.
Look who's back.
Can I talk to you? Alone?
You know he's just gonna tell us everything you say, right?
You're in trouble, Chip.
They know about the applications.
Someone on the Duke admissions board's
friends with Longwell's dad.
I'm sorry, Sara.
No idea what you're talking about.
Chip, this isn't a joke.
They're saying that it was an invasion of privacy,
fraud, identity theft,
and they wanna sue the school,
maybe even press criminal charges,
and I know you've gotten yourself out of bad situations before,
but this is different.
Well, if there's nothing I can do about it,
why'd you even feel the need to tell me?
Because I care about you, moron.
I mean, it's not like you would miss me if I got kicked out,
now that you and Longwell are...
That was you, wasn't it?
In the woods that night of the dance? You followed us.
Yeah, I followed you to our spot.
- You're damn right. - I don't know why I even try.
Let me ask you something, Sara.
All the time we spent laughing at Longwell's fucking lameness,
was that all a lie?
Did you just keep me around to make daddy angry?
He is lame, okay?
And you're brilliant
and challenging and complicated
and I just wanna be happy,
a goal you mostly made more difficult, not less.
There's nothing wrong with wanting to be happy, Chip.
Kevin and Longwell's parents.
They're here to meet with the Eagle.
And that's Holly's dad.
What's so bad about him?
Besides his complicity in siring Holly.
He's one of the top litigators in the state.
That's a low bar.
Pun intended.
I'm really sorry, Chip.
Thanks for your concern.
Lighter for your thoughts?
Wanna talk about it?
Look, I get it.
It's weird seeing them together.
They're totally mismatched.
Like if a... sweet but dumb dog
was dating a cute Romanian duck.
I don't care about Pudge and Lara.
I have my own tortured love life to contend with.
You mean with Jake? I thought that was over.
He's been calling me every day,
trying to get back together.
You know what?
I may have been too hasty ending things with him.
- Really? - Yeah.
Really.
You just don't understand the nuances
of a mature adult relationship
because you've never experienced one.
And you probably never will.
From your lips to God's ears.
Hello?
Alaska?
Alaska, is that you? Are you okay?
I think that was Alaska.
You should call her back.
- Oww, mmm! - Sorry!
Oh, no, it's just, uh, I don't think my butt
is ever gonna be the same after the swan.
Wow, that's a sentence I never thought I'd say.
This is painful.
I'm going to the library. You have an hour.
Sorry, Ruth.
We really need to get our own room.
Mm-hmm.
Have you ever had a blow job?
Um...
that's out of the blue.
Uh, the... the blue?
Oh, I... I mean, like, um, uh, I just,
um, like, out of left field.
Uh, forget it.
Um, what... what made... what made you think of that?
I've never given one.
Oh, I've never gotten one.
Do you think it would be fun?
Yeah. Um, I mean...
I... I... I think so.
I... I don't know. Um...
I think I want to.
Okay.
Um...
Well, do I do something?
I... I think maybe, um, you're supposed to...
Move?
How?
Clearly I'm not an expert at this.
Hey, maybe we just table this and, um, watch another episode.
- Okay. - Yeah.
Okay.
♪ Right back to where we start ♪
- ♪ California ♪ - ♪ California ♪
You are one of my best students, Mr. Martin.
Thanks, Mr. Starnes.
You are without a doubt a top three administrator.
You're funny.
You're bright.
You understand that true success comes from hard work,
mastering your studies.
Which is why it grieves me
to see such a stupid stunt cost you your place here.
Uh, not sure what you're referring to, sir.
I get the sense that someone is trying
to make me take the fall for something, but...
You were seen.
Uh, sorry.
Seen where, sir?
Here, the night of the dance.
Holly Moser spilled punch on her sweater
and she was going to change
when she saw you tearing toward the woods from the dormitories.
Within the walls of this campus,
I have the tools to adjudicate any transgression.
When you involve another campus...
an esteemed university in a different state,
I lose control of the situation.
You can't threaten a young man's future
and think that it won't have consequences.
I mean, their futures aren't really threatened, though, are they?
Parents sorted everything out, everybody's friends.
Their applications have been purged
and the deadline was extended, yes.
Sounds to me like a victimless crime.
Well, their parents don't see it that way,
and they're willing to involve the courts, even the police.
Do you know that what you did was illegal?
It was an online college app.
It was using the Internet to commit fraud.
With all due respect, sir,
it was an essay about shitting your pants.
I'm no fool, Mr. Martin.
I know you didn't do this alone,
and I know who probably helped you.
Do you want to bring them down with you?
If I expel you and you go quietly,
that might be enough to satisfy these parents.
No one else needs to pay for this.
Wow.
So, just the black kid
whose mom serves hash browns ends up getting expelled?
Son, do not make this about...
about that.
Come on, man.
They've just been waiting on their chance.
Then why did you give it to them, Chip?
You have 24 hours.
Admit that this prank was yours and yours alone
and this matter is resolved.
Fight and you will open up an investigation
that will bring your friends down with you.
I suggest you start saying your good-byes.
Checking that I'm still alive?
Operating out of an abundance of caution.
People are so still afraid of stillness.
Is disturbing my tranquility the only reason for your visit?
It is kind of becoming our thing, but, um...
No. I'm here to give you this.
My paper...
which is now yours and...
to also let you know that I failed the assignment.
Oh? Why is that?
My question...
It has no answer.
All the best questions don't.
That's what makes them worth asking.
Well, then I totally nailed it.
We don't have to.
I... I just thought it might be,
um... instructional,
but if it's weird...
Not sure you read the book that it's based on
or watched the movie.
Meryl Streep is really good in it.
I'm European, Miles.
It's not like I haven't seen a porno before.
- Okay. - Okay.
Oh, come on, baby.
Oh, God, this is graphic.
Why is he pulling her hair so much?
Bad idea. This is not helpful,
and may I add,
not a faithful adaptation.
There is someone we both know
who could possibly help us.
Wow.
If you're asking for my guidance in the matter, your, um...
your relationship must be really progressing,
sexually speaking.
You know, I knew this was a bad idea.
It's a great idea.
I happen to be an expert on the subject.
Feel free to call Jake to confirm my prowess.
No need. I'm fine.
So, you can help us?
First order of business, teeth.
Tongue over the bottom ones.
Mouth open wide to cover the top.
Second order, despite the slang terminology,
you don't actually have to be sword swallower.
No gagging, choking, or unwanted tea bagging.
You know, I might just leave you ladies to talk about this.
Oh, no, Pudge, we need you here.
Because when we're done,
you're gonna go to the dining hall
and you're gonna procure a peach, and I'm gonna show you
what you need to do for Lara in order to reciprocate.
Now...
Observe.
Oh, I see.
Chip.
What's wrong, hon?
Mom, would you still love me even if I messed everything up?
Come here. Come here.
Of course.
Hey Colonel, what are you doing?
Where are you coming from in Alaska's car?
Not in the mood for questions.
Cigarettes first.
I know it's weird, but Ruth is always in my room
and there is no getting rid of the girl.
Are you kidding me? This is... this is great.
I mean, a limo?
Very classy.
So much leg room and I'll stop talking now.
♪ Touching you ♪
♪ Touching me ♪
♪ Touching you, God you're touching me ♪
♪ Ah ♪
You are not gonna believe...
You're letting out all the good poisons, Pudge.
Who died?
My future.
Congratulations, Pudge.
As of tomorrow, you have a single.
What you doing tonight, Alaska?
Wanna come to practice?
- I'm good. - Okay.
I got that new stick, bro.
Yeah, I know. It's against regulations.
- No, it ain't. - Yep.
We gonna go 4A this year, right?
- I mean, I'm down. - Yeah, man.
- Hey, who's the new kid? - Oh, hold on.
I think you at the wrong place.
This ain't Birmingham Preschool.
I got a question.
Did you have to pay half tuition
because you're so short?
Wow, thank you for that clarification.
Let me guess, you just used up
your whole vocabulary in that one sentence.
- That's impressive. - Why don't you shut up?
All right, fellas. Let's cut back on the testosterone.
We don't want Kevin's balls to drop prematurely.
- Alaska, what the hell? - Save me a bufriedo.
Alaska!
Whatever. I'll smell you later, midget.
I understand.
The Chihuahua wants to attack the alpha dog
first day at the pound, but those two,
they will literally kick your ass.
I'm pretty sure I'll get some punches in, too,
and I'm not a Chihuahua.
It's fine.
I'm here to teach you that there are better ways
of getting revenge here at Culver Creek.
Pranks.
If you want, I can help you.
Ain't those guys supposed to be your friends?
Honestly, I came here trying to find my people,
but so far it's only been turd farmers with lacrosse sticks
and the women who love them.
I've been looking for someone
with an IQ higher than their age
and you seem to fit the bill.
So, are you in?
Sure, I'm in.
I'm Alaska.
I'm Chip.
Chip? No.
Chip is the kind of guy who sells beer nuts
at a dive bar out by the airport.
- Okay. - You are clearly so much more than a Chip.
I'll think of a good nickname for you.
Let's go smoke.
Colonel...
we're not gonna let you get expelled for something we all did
Something you did to avenge what they did to me.
What if we issued a formal written apology
to the Warriors' parents?
Like they would give a shit about our apology.
We could hire a lawyer. Sue the school.
We could say it's cruel and unusual punishment.
I'm getting expelled, not executed.
And we can barely afford a five-star special at Miss Ann's.
- How are we gonna get a lawyer? - Oh, I know.
We can petition the student jury to decide
and then bribe them, like last time.
It's too late.
The Eagle already made the final decision.
What if I go to him and tell him I did everything by myself?
And then Takumi did, then Pudge, then Lara?
Full "Spartacus." I like it.
I feel like that only works
if everyone isn't actually guilty
of the things they're confessing to.
Exactly.
Then everyone would get expelled,
which is what I'm trying to avoid.
I was seen following Sara and Longwell
into the woods that night.
I followed my heart instead of protocol
and now I'm paying the price for my passion.
I'll go to the Eagle in the morning and confess.
Then I'll go.
This truly sucks.
I'm gonna go for a walk.
- Want some company? - No, I need to think.
Oh.
Mr. Halter.
I just wanna talk to you about Chip Martin.
Come on in, Mr. Halter. Come on in.
This may not come as a surprise to you,
but when I was a student here
I wasn't exactly the most popular.
I'm sorry to hear that.
But you know who was looking out for me?
My teachers.
I guess the point that I'm trying to make, Miles,
is that I know you feel like I'm an enemy,
but I'm not.
So listen to me.
You can't save your friend,
but you don't have to sacrifice yourself.
You still have a bright future here.
But what will this place even be like if he's not here?
He loves this school.
He loves his friends and Dr. Hyde's lectures
and getting kicked out of basketball games.
This place doesn't just belong to the Longwells and Kevins.
This is Chip's school, too.
And no one is more disappointed than me
to see Mr. Martin leave.
But he was here on scholarship and with that comes scrutiny.
So just because I happen to be born
the son of Walter Halter
means that I get a free pass,
but because he isn't a legacy
and doesn't have money or influence...
He wouldn't have needed any of those things
if he had just followed the rules.
But I agree with you.
Culver Creek isn't gonna be the same without him.
Any idea where your roommate's skinny ass is?
No clue.
But he's only my roommate for...
11-ish more hours,
so he can get a head start
on taking care of himself for a change.
I'm sure he's probably off with Lara somewhere.
My last night
and Pudge is out getting his pole smoked.
At least he got his priorities straight.
Hey, ballsiest prank ever.
I think we should make a statue out of you.
Seconded.
Who needs another bronze monument
to some Civil War general
when you could celebrate a truly great military strategist?
A statue, huh?
My future is completely fucked
and that's the best y'all can do?
It's pretty damn good.
Something to stand the test of time immemorial,
here long after we're gone,
ensuring that you'll never be forgotten.
But that's the thing.
I will.
The second I leave this place,
it'll go back to normal.
The bell will ring,
everyone will go back to class,
and pretty soon
I'll be a distant memory.
Even to y'all.
I'll just be that funny little black dude
you knew back in the day.
Till one day years from now...
You'll just be thinking...
"Hey, I wonder what happened to Chip Martin?"
"I wonder what he would have made of himself
if he never would have got expelled all those years ago?"
Chances are...
you won't even remember why.
- Nobody will. - That is not true.
- We will always be friends. - No.
We won't.
We can't.
Starting tomorrow,
I'll be the guy who got kicked out of school
because of you,
and you'll always feel guilty,
and I'll always feel resentful.
And that's no recipe for a friendship, now is it?
Yo, Colonel,
I think it's time we lighten up on the sauce, huh?
Nope, nope, nope.
In vino veritas, Takumi.
If she wouldn't have ratted,
her books would have never gotten destroyed,
and I wouldn't be on the next bus back to the trailer park.
Okay, um,
I think it's time we call it a night.
- Alaska? - No, that's not fair.
I never asked you to do that.
And I'll go to the Eagle's house right now
and I'll confess the whole goddamn thing. I will.
Nah.
If that were really true,
you would have done it by now.
You figured out where I was going?
It wasn't hard.
What happened?
Nothing.
- Good. - No, it's... it's not good.
It's, um... it's not fair
or just.
It's fucked up.
No, not this again.
You are so lucky,
and instead of being grateful and enjoying it,
you are on some mission to find some imaginary life.
It's not imaginary.
It's my great perhaps.
What does that even mean, great perhaps?
Culver Creek is our chance at a great future.
Work hard, get into a good college,
become anything we want.
And you want to risk all of that...
For what?
I am so sorry that the Colonel is being expelled.
But he was caught and we weren't,
and I am not sorry for that,
because that means that we get to stay here.
And that's everything.
My friends are everything.
And if you can't understand that then...
Then what?
I gotta go.
You really wanna end it this way?
Why not?
Makes it easier for everyone to move on.
All right.
Alaska, sorry the Colonel's being a prick.
Colonel...
- Good luck. - Uh-huh, you can go.
Self pity was never your thing, Colonel.
I always thought you were more of a fighter.
Well, sorry to let you down.
Guess you know how it feels now.
- What's wrong? - Nothing.
Everything. Let's just go smoke.
He's just spinning out.
Can you blame him?
He is kind of right.
It's my fault.
I just wish he hadn't been such an asshole about it.
I just got into a dumb fight with Lara.
I didn't know she had it in her.
It was mostly me.
I didn't know you had it in you, either.
So you guys are on the rocks,
just when she learned to give head.
It's a tough one.
I don't ever really think we were even
right for each other.
I know.
Look, it sucks, but...
welcome to the club.
Me and Jake and Sara and the Colonel.
We're all losers in love.
I get why the Colonel was so pissed.
This place really was his ticket out of the trailer park.
He may be an angry little asshole,
but I don't know if I can live with the idea
of him hating me for the rest of his life.
Well...
we just go back,
apologize,
and then...
Just be with him...
Till he leaves.
It's that easy, huh?
It's that easy.
Okay.
Let's go, Pudge.
Colonel, it turns out I'm an asshole, too, so...
All right, let's get him in the bed.
Well, so much for honest conversation with the Colonel.
Now what?
Since we're already in the mood for honesty,
I'm thinking...
copious amounts of alcohol with a little truth or dare.
Unless you think that truth or dare was played out by seventh grade.
Never played it before.
Didn't have any friends through seventh grade.
That's a sad story, Miles.
Now's your chance.
This is gonna be fun.
That looks so good.
I'll take over. Thanks.
That's the truth of where I'll be in ten years.
Hold on, so in this mythical future
I am a feminist novelist?
We'll have a very small section for white male authors we approve of.
Basically just you and Dr. Seuss.
Apparently Dr. Seuss was a racist.
- Yeah. - What?
Mm-hmm.
You ruin everything, Pudge.
Fine, it's just gonna be you, then.
Um, that's only because the first book will clearly be about me.
- Oh, will it now? - Mm-hmm.
Who else would it be about?
Not Lara.
Maybe this idiot.
So... I'm gonna be a novelist.
Well, maybe.
If you start reading books from the beginning
instead of just skipping to the end for last words.
Wait, but isn't the title of this future novel,
Famous Last Words?
You're missing the point of the story.
The point is where I'll be in ten years,
not where you're gonna be.
Right, and you're gonna be...
An owner of a hipster book store.
Yes.
Or a literature professor at Columbia
teaching a class on...
anti-heroines.
I don't know.
All I know is that I'm gonna be far away from home
doing something I love,
and inspiring girls to be their unapologetically badass selves.
You're gonna do it, too.
No doubt about it.
Okay, enough about me.
Truth or dare, Miles?
Um...
Truth.
When we were in Dolores's room at Thanksgiving...
Did you wanna kiss me?
Jesus.
Um, can... can I switch to dare?
No.
Um...
Well...
I thought it was pretty obvious.
I mean, obvious enough that you kicked me out of the bed.
Yeah.
I... I did wanna kiss you.
Did... did you...
you know, wanna...
No, you... you have to burn a truth or dare
to ask a question.
Fine. Um...
truth or dare?
Truth.
Did you wanna kiss me?
Yes.
I didn't because I got some bad advice from the Colonel.
Your turn. Truth or dare?
Oh, um, wait. Hold on.
Truth or dare.
Truth.
Were you happy when Jake and I broke up?
Yes.
Why did you?
Break up, I mean.
Truth?
Um, because...
I wanted to be available for someone else.
Like, maybe you.
But it doesn't matter because...
I'm...
I'm bad for everyone.
I hurt Jake. I ruined the Colonel's life.
So...
Trust me. You don't want me.
I get to decide
what and who...
Whom.
Whom I want.
Who's good for me.
Everyone around here treats me like I'm a little kid.
Like I can't make my own decisions,
but I can.
I'm responsible for my actions.
I can handle the heat.
Really?
You can handle the heat?
Yeah.
I can.
All right.
Miles...
truth or dare?
Dare.
Kiss me.
I love you, Alaska Young.
Don't go.
To be continued.
I need to get out of here.
- I forgot. - What's going on?
- How many times can I fuck up? - Alaska, what the hell?
I have to get out of here.
Okay, now?
- Yes, now. - Where are you trying to go?
Just distract the Eagle and get him out of his house, okay?
Are you sure you're okay to... to drive?
I'm fucking invincible.
I'm gonna light these off at the Eagle's place.
You help her with the gate.
Hey!
God damn it.
- Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -